Exhausting & Exhausted

Dear Piya,

I am not going to sugar-coat this letter, darling. I am just going to say it out, now -

You are exhausting!

I love you, munchkin, but you really are!

I have refrained from casting a dark shadow upon this year of 2020, but I have lost my village, love, and I am on the brink of being broken.

I guess this is where you ask me to rewind a little and add some sense to this letter, right?

Phew!

Okay.

Here -

In and around my circle of mothers, we always used to joke about how the kids of your generation are really a handful.

You don't eat easily.

You don't sleep easily.

You don't sit down for long.

And you don't keep quiet at all!

Basically, you seem to require an endless stream string of persuasion to do anything that would assist your parents' day. 

Okay...I may be exaggerating a teeny-tiny, little bit, but that is about it.

But it is true in all other ways.

Honestly, I have lost count of the no. of times I have asked my mom if I was this exhausting too!

She says I wasn't so I am going to take her word for it and pin it all on your generation as the adrenaline-infused batch of mankind.

Why am I writing this today?

That is a good question, baby.

Here is why - as I mentioned before, I have lost my village.

I don't mean a literal one but the one from the phrase - It takes a village to raise a child.

It took a pandemic for the mother in me to realise how I have not been the only on raising you!

From the teachers at your school, to the neighbour's friendly daughter;

From the children at my mommy-friends' meet to the garden-visit in the evenings;

From the half-day I spend at office while you stay with your grandmother to the visits to your naani's place -

Everything and everybody has had a role to play in raising you.

I always knew about these. I am just learning of how monumental their role is in our lives, as we are bound indoors since a long time, with no outdoor arena, no friends (yours as well as mine), no school (except for the classes on screen, which are hardly a school), no visits to any place that could divert your attention towards anything but me!...

I am exhausted without all these, darling...

I am not just your mother anymore.

I am your age-appropriate friend as well as the elder didi who loves playing with you.

I am your teacher at school as well as your classmate.

I am your garden-play as well as your indoorsy play pal.

I am your home as well your office.

Wait...that would be you for me!

You see how exhausted I am, now?!

Here is the funny thing - I always wanted to be your whole world, dearly.

But now that I truly am, I am kind of disappointed in myself.

I am unable to cope with the energy level of a 3-year-old!

Maybe it is the effect that your sleeping face besides me has on me or maybe it is truly guilt inside of me, but I really wish I could be more for your sake.

It hurts to see the year 2020 crippling your merry childhood days like this.

I really wish I could not get this exhausted...

It will be morning soon and your incessant talks and questions will start popping again!

Again - Seeing you quietly asleep in innocence, there is a part of me can't wait for it!

And then there is the other part which is sane enough to realise the incoming exhaustion from tomorrow, beforehand, over & above this film of rosy love in my eyes for you.

Which is when, I know I could say this -

And then again, I wish you wouldn't be so exhausting either...

But above all, I wish for this more than anything else:
May the fog of this year's dismay lift and may I find my village thriving beneath it again!

Love,

Maa.