Where do you sleep?

Dear Piya,

You know how I have always loved co-sleeping with you, don’t you?

But last night, I tried to offer you your own bed...

It may be hard to understand the depth of this statement right now, but where I am writing from, this is a huge!

There are two sentiments here, darling:

1. Yes, I am trying to move you away from the bed that your parents have shared with you so far
2. I am not succeeding so far

Granted, it has only been one night, but the result was beyond what I had prepared for.

I was hopeful of you sleeping through the night in your own bed, which by the way is right beside ours.

You sleep through the night since a long time now, love, so I did not consider an extension of the same as wishful thinking.

I mean, you are hardly aware of me sleeping beside you and your Papa is no more than a giant, kicking pillow to you!

Anyway, worst come worst, I thought I would have to prepare for a break in your sleep leading to a long cry over want for us (read me). I just figured that I would hug you back to the our bed in that case.

Now, here is the fun, as is always with you -

You showed me a third scenario.

Not only did you wake up crying (more like howling) in the middle of the night, you even showcased a complete disgust towards me for having made you sleep in a separate bed!

I mean, you were literally mad at me!

I say so because despite crying, you now refused to let me touch you let alone make you come to our bed!

I tried calming you down, but you yelled even louder if I tried to come anywhere near you.

You did the same if I tried to go back to my bed.

So, in the middle of the night, I stood in between two beds, neither one of which I could enter without eliciting a shriek out of you.

After 15 minutes of this illogical drama, I finally managed to bring a still-very-angry-with-me-you to our bed.

You finally let your frown turn down after 10 more minutes of soft wailing and that is when we finally hugged.

And now, you won’t let go off me...

Your eyes were still red in sleep mixed with tears, but I read something in them.

You were hurt.

I had taken away the comfort of your mother beside you in the darkest of hours, with little notice.

I had missed you too, but I was just moving forward with my plan of giving you some independence, honey.

Little did I know that the mere knowledge of the parent’s warmth nearby is more precious to the child that their own bed filled with soft toys.

I guess I should count my blessings alongwith the numbered days ahead before you do move into your own bed, your own room, and then one day, your own separate home, which would hopefully not be so far away that a hug in the middle of the night would be yearned for...

So...okay...I don’t think we are parting ways in the nights just yet, darling.

And since I am still getting my heartbeat back to normal from the gasp it took at the mere thought of you going away from me, I will now get back to hugging you.

Sleep well, my sweetheart.

Sleep well besides your mum for a long time...

Love, 

Maa.

More talks, less letters

Dear Piya,

As the months have gone by, I have started writing less & less to you.

And while I am not happy about it myself, I keep wondering what you would make of this lag, as and when you happen to read my letters to you.

For all I know, you may be relieved that my incessant chatter finally took a break!

But my heart feels that there is a slight chance you may actually seek more. As much as pictures and videos do to recreate times gone by, there is something just too charismatic about words; something that cannot be captured otherwise.

This has been the driving force in making me write to you all these years.

But despite my love for you and my love for writing to you, my letters have skimmed down. And here is why :

I had a lot to tell you when you were an infant. And yes, I did tell them to your 'agoooooing face' all the time. But I had two things by my side - time & a one-way-speech.

Funnily enough, with more & more passage of time, I have had less & less of it to dedicatedly write to you.

It is no secret, sweetheart, that writing letters to you made me the writer that I am today.

Which is why, I keep coming back to where it all began - here.

My absenteeism here, in spurts, then, is greatly aided by the fact that you get me much better now.

You not only understand what I share but you also reciprocate, with support, more often that not!

So much so that, I have shared moments of in-depth conversations with you and you have heard me out!

And when we aren't deep in conversation, I am almost always found landing a million hugs & kisses upon you. 

Yes, baccha.

While writing letters to you was my idea capturing your childhood, time did nit really slow down and you kept growing up at an unbelievable pace...and so, I want to add this as the last reason behind the slow decline in the frequency of my letters : I find myself out of words every now & then as I look at how much you have grown.

Yes, your acts of cuteness are galore now too!

But my ability to sneak a moment out of them to write about it gets overpowered by my desire to get some more of you, every time, as I fear I will blink twice and three more years will fly by...

Yes...I have not known love like this ever before.

And my fellow mum-friends tell me that it does not get easier with time.

I can only hope it doesn't though, because how often does one experience something so powerful that it makes you feel your heart beat, eh?!

Cloying, much?

Alright, I will stop. I will stop writing that is.

And simply move on to hugging you so tight & kissing you so much that you find that cloying then!

Love,

Maa.