The mind wanders...

 Dear Piya,

As I begin writing this letter, I am very conscious of not titling it 'Your first day at school'.

Well, it is your first day at school today :)

But you have been in school for over 1.5 years, online that is (the new normal that COVID-19 asked of the world...long story...have shared it in bits before...so won't do it again.)

How does today mark your first day at school, then?!

It does because not only did you begin your 8am to 1pm, today, you also indulged in what I have believed to be a quintessential school-based experience : Taking the school bus!

Oh, how I absolutely LOVED my school-going days! I used to look forward to school majorly because it began with me & my friends riding the school bus.

~ The silly fight over the prized window seat or seat next to one's best friend

~ The curious enquiries around 'what did you get for lunch?'

~ The childish giggles over secretive whispers 

~ The joy of looking at the city from a level above

~ The mirth of jumping up & down as the bus crossed a road-bump

~ The lost sleep as we went towards, as well as the tired yawns as we came back from, school...

If I were given a choice to relive one day of my life again, I would probably select a bus ride to my school (and then continue with the whole day in school going forward till the bus dropped me back home to the open arms of my parents who had missed me dearly!)

Yes, darling...I am missing you ❤️

Which is a mixed feeling because, honestly I have been roaring across town in wait of the day that would see you start your school in the proper sense - offline, in physical presence of your class.

I have dreamt of the 'me-time' this would come with and the luxury of sleep that I promised myself to enjoy starting the minute your bus left the stop!

Spoiler alert - I am awake, writing this letter to you; Not even close to laying down, let alone asleep!

That's because amidst all the pending work which I can now do with ease (you being at school & all...) the mind keeps wandering to what you must be doing right now.

Would you be playing out in the ground?

Would you be enjoying some hands-on art & craft?

Would you be giggling with your friends?

Would you be looking blankly at everything around, trying to make sense of this new world that has popped up around you, today?

Or would you, by any chance, be wondering what your old woman must be doing back home?

In this second, my one true regret is that telepathy is an art I never tried to learn...

So I take solace in letting my mind go back to the last visual memory I have of you from this morning -

As your school bus came to a halt at the stop, you climbed up and dashed straight to the first window seat in sight. 

As the wheels of the bus started going round & round, your eyes shot out the window, preparing your mind for all the wonder that was about to unfold in your life.

I kept looking as the bus turned a corner and went out of my sight, towards a journey you will cherish for years to come.

I can't wait to hear all about the first day of it, as I come to pick you up at the bus stop today.

Till then, I let my mind wander...

Love,

Maa.

P.S. I think I will take a nap now...

The important things in life

 Dear Piya,

"It is through a child that we learn to live our lives again."

I would like to believe that this a famous quote by someone. But if it isn't, then even better as I can lay claim on these words to live by.

I have always found the essence of childhood in this word - Little.
Children are cute, because they are little.
They look adorable in all things little.
Whatever mistakes they make are forgiven because the mistakes are little.
And it is through everything 'little' that we find the essence of life as it is these littles that eventually make for a big life worth looking back at.

I have drifted away from this thought and come back to many a time.

Today, I write to you, as I found my way back to it again.

As you grow in the years to come, you will be faced with challenges that go beyond a broken toy or a lost crayon (sad as it may sound right now, yes there are worse things, darling...).

And all these challenges will test who you are, in that particular moment (yes, we all exist in multiple roles, personalities & shades, varying from time to time and situation to situation.)

Don't get bogged down by the deeper layers of this thought, just now. There will be time for that too, my love.
For now, know this - a simple act of picking up a book and reading something enlightening, a small act of going back to an age-old hobby like drawing or playing the keyboard or something as little as turning on the music player only to tune into your favorite playlist from ages ago is enough to remind one that a smile is but all our day needs to look up from any challenge that life may throw our way.

Your old woman here had one such experience today.
Not only was I able to get my fingers back on the keyboard after years, I even managed to play what I am sure was the tune of one of my favourite songs from a while ago.

It felt good.
In fact, it felt better than good.

In one little moment, through one little act of going back to music, I found how happiness & all things important in life for that matter, will always lie in the little things.

As long as you remember this, my little girl, all will be good.
In fact, it will be better than good :)

Love,
Maa.

My Little Girl...

 Dear Piya,

Your chattiness is all life is about these days.

So much so that I find myself yelling to shush you at times (a little quiet is a rare pleasure, and so sought after, darling!)

Your father takes the high road every once in a while and reminds me that these days are not going to come back. He tries to instill futuristic nostalgia in me through these words.

But if only the present worked so in sync with the incoming memories from the future!

I do enjoy your chirps, my love.

And I do feel nostalgic about their limited time as I put you to sleep every night.

But in all honesty, that is pretty much the ambit of this nostalgic, futuristic memory.

Thay was until today.

It is close to 11am, on a vacation day during your Diwali break. 

We are travelling for a short trip starting today, for which I am knee deep in packing right now.

You are blissfully asleep till this late an hour but I am not complaining! The longer you sleep, the longer I get to wrap up everything in peace.

As I check on you every 30 min to see if you are still sleeping I am hit by this realisation - I am not sure if I wish for you to continue sleeping or wake up with your chirpiness right this minute.

After a minute of standing and looking at your face so radiant in sleep, I realise I have been humming 'My little girl...', with a smile on my face.

It is a sentence with just three words. But its impact feels heavier than a thousand...

It is filled with :

She is growing up so fast...

These days will not be here forever...

How blessed am I!...

Look at her sleeping like an angel...

I could just hug & kiss her...

But then she would wake up...

Maybe I should wake her up...

Just to hug & kiss her...

Or maybe I should let her sleep...

Like the angel that she is...

An angel who loves talking the minute she wakes up...

All of this in one ❤️

I don't know how much I am going to miss these days. I do know I am going to do so tremendously, though.

I end my smiling reflection with this thought for now -

No matter how fast or how much you grow up, you will always be my little girl.

Love,

Maa

I love you 50.

Dear Piya,

Love is an emotion remains unquantifiable till date. There is no machine to measure the same, yet.

How much does one love somebody? 

Who is to say?

Where does a mother's heart find space, to accomodate love for any number of children she may have? 

That remains a mystery.

Who loves you more? Mumma or Papa?

This we thankfully know the answer to. 

Mumma, it's Mumma.

But if you were to ask me how much I love you I may not be able to give you an answer that would do justice to my love for you.

However, there is one particular line from a movie that has become quite popular, of late.

So tonight, when I said 'I love you' as I kissed you goodnight, you replied with an 'I love you too!'

To my mischievous mind, this sounded like 'I love you TWO'.

And so, I found an opportunity to boast with the popular movie's trending dialogue and said 'I love you 3000!'

Just as I was feeling pretty good about the extent of my love, mixed with my wit, you were quick to revert with :

'I love you 50!!'

In the first split of a second I cracked up at your naivete.

But this was soon followed by the realisation that 50 is the extend to which a 4-year-old you had learnt to count, till date.

To you, 50 is equivalent to infinity!

I was so stumped.

For God knows I know to count higher than 3,000!

Piya, my darling, my love, be this amazing always.

And please know that your innocent heart definitely carries more love than my matured, old, unimaginative heart does now.

And for that, I am nothing but proud.

Love,

Maa.

An update on life

 Dear Piya,

In the last few months, I have had 5 letters enter my mind, and 10 leave alongside.

I wove each letter to you with conversations taking place in the form of monologues that the voices in my head played to perfection.

So much so that, they became pretty complacent with the letter having somehow flown your way.

As did I.

Life is happening as we speak, my darling girl!

There is so much to share, so much to capture, so much to weave as a memory and at the same time live through to the fullest, that I have decided to kick the complacence out of the window and give you an update on all that we have been through.

First things first, you have grown up, yet again, much like the ache in my heart that wonders how numbered these days of having you fit into my lap, truly are.

As you grow, so does your spontaneity, your creativity and that spark which I am yet to find the pulse of!

Your responses take me by surprise every second day.

Just the other day, you interrupted a conversation I was having with someone, with a polite 'Will you please stop talking and listen to what I have to say? It's important!'

When you Papa was away on a trip, recently, your first question to him on the video call was 'Baat baad mein, pehle batao mere liye kya laoge?'

There is an 'Act of Kindness' jar in our home, which you fill in with a chit, every time you do something helpful. You are attached to it with all your life, so much so that I use the tact of emptying the jar as a threat to extract good behaviour out of you.

You now have a pet rabbit, who you have wittily named 'Vanilla' citing 'Look at it! It is so white! It has to be Vanilla!' 

You are getting better at taking in this 'online school-class' with each passing day to the extent that you are one of the most talkative kids in your class as of today, much to the delight of your very own super-talkative Mumma! Just a few months back, you used to be a quiet witness to all that went on the screen before you. Whenever I probed, you would be ready to with a 'I am too shy, Mumma...' 

Too shy to howl throughout the day? Nope.

Too shy to keep mum when I am on a call? No way!

Too shy to sit in one corner and play by yourself? How I wish at times!

But when it comes to matters that do not necessarily agree with you, my little girl all of a sudden realises that she has a 'too shy' boat to back on.

So much has changed, Piya. So much is changing even as I write this; I am just going to reel it back with nostalgia in another letter, later.

But some things haven't changed and they are -

You still give me the best hugs, everyday.

I still kiss you a thousand times each day.

You still have the most innocent face I have ever seen.

You still annoy me & amuse me, all at the same time.

You still amaze me with the little wonder that is the girl I gave birth to.

Keep staying this amazing, my darling.

Life is too short to be anything else 💛

Love,

Maa.

P.S. I have taken up storytelling more seriously than ever. I wish I can become somebody you would love listening to always. After all, there is a different level of satisfaction in gaining validity from one's very first muse ❤️

Will you play with me, please?

Dear Piya,

As the time-gaps keep getting longer & longer between my letters to you, I feel like I am falling short of excuses.

But please accept this one, today.

I started writing yo you, at a time when our conversations were more of a monologue : A young mother going through post-partum blues talking to her infant little girl, hoping that the gibbersih agooos in return from a babbling mouth were actual pieces of sentences she wanted to hear from her little best-friend-for-life.

Today, when you are not that little anymore (you haven't been so since your gibberish turned into a perenially ongoing channel of kiddo-radio), talking to you actually feels like a real conversation.

Yes, the advices are more self-appropriating, from your side, like 'Just let me watch my cartoon and I'll get out of your hair!'.

That is, both, helpful and not helpful, at the same time. But I happen to roll with it from time to time.

What I am trying say is this - It feels like you need less & less of my letters with each passing day.

And while that feeling is both, good & not so good, at the same time, I am actually sitting on life's incoming philosophical lesson - that like my letters, you will grow towards needing me less & less as well, in the years to come.

That is the reason I wish I spend more time talking to you directly, than writing to you.

But as is the case with life, there is always a curveball around the corner.

This last year has been cruel to mothers like myself.

I have been home-bound.

Working for home.

Working from home.

And raising a more-curios-than-a-cat kind of 3-year-old, amidst all.

I was of a strong belief that I had a lot to complain about, given how this pandemic has shaken up lives.

But, today, it came to my notice that when it comes to troubles, there is no comparison of pain - It is, really, to each, their own.

It must have happened for the Nth time, but sadly, I noticed it only for the first time.

While juggling making the meals of the day, working for the home, working for office, working on my storytelling venture, assisting with your online educations & the activities thereafter and doing a dozen other chores alongside, I had my brain in the mode it has been all year long - Frozen, and in a zone.

That is to say that my responses have become robotic.

Seldom does something go deeper than the first layer of my skin. It is a very effective defense mechanism that popped up as the normal-life-as-we-knew-it started falling apart, much thanks to the pandemic of Covid-19.

As I worked in my 'zone' yet again this morning, you came up to me & said 'Mumma, please, mere saath khelo na...'

'Coming, baccha' was my first reply.

A few minutes later, you came back with the exact same request : 'Mumma, please, mere saath khelo na...'

'Piya, Mumma is busy, baccha', I said this time.

Some few minutes later again, you came repeating 'Mumma, please, mere saath khelo na...'

'Please baccha, learn to play on your ow...' I stopped as I mechanically spoke this sentence which I just realised had become so ingrained in my brain that it came out of my mouth without me having to even make eye-contact with my child, as my hands kept working on the tasks of the day.

I stopped mid-sentence and looked at this girl whose head barely reached the edge of my waist.

With a soft-toy hugging your chest, your dewy eyes looked at me with hope & plea in them, as you pulled the end of my top.

You just wanted somebody to come play with you.

With your father addressing his office-duties and your mother bound to home-related-chores, your soft toys had done a fine job of becoming your imaginary friends so far.

But there is only so much comfort that a monologue can provide. The minute a two-way-conversation starts, even the dearest of letters can take a back seat!

I would know that better than anybody else, right?

You talk, alright.

But today, the pout on your lips and the request in your eyes told me what your words couldn't.

While a lot has been lost by the adults in the world, the loss suffered by the little ones has been a great one too.

You, my child, have lost out on your childhood :

The glee of meeting with your-age silly-willies.

The routine of going to a school.

The excitement of eating lunch with your classmates from your tiffin-boxes.

The zest of spending the evenings in the common garden.

The connection with elements like mud, rocks, leaves & water - all in the company of somebody who isn't pedantic about cleanliness (like your parents) but actually enjoys making a mess like you do.

The hug of childhood called 'Play'...

I am sorry, my darling.

I am sorry for this has been a rough year for you.

There must be a world-full of emotions brimming inside of you that I am not aware of, because as a little child there is only so much you can express.

I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away, somehow. Wouldn't that be something?

I would like to believe, though, that, there are things beyond the understanding of all of us that make the moons go round & round the planets.

May those energies be touched by these wailing hearts of little children like you, to help the world heal fast.

For now, I will try my best to be your pal.

Come, lets play.

Love,

Maa.