One, Two, THREE!

Dear Piya,

Before you say anything, let me tell you this - I plead guilty.
I haven’t written to you in a long time, darling, and for that I plead guilty.

If this comes as any consolation then do know that the no. my letters have only been inversely proportional to the growth in our conversation beyond written words.

Having said that, I still wish I had written more :)

But I have something far more important than that to address today.

You turned three years old, love.

One.
Two.
THREE!

You will certainly feel like I keep making a big deal out of the days, weeks, months and years going by, to the extent of making you lose enthusiasm on the same, but wait, darling, wait!
Firstly, the days going by will always etch a special memory in my heart with something I got to live with you yet again, and how this time will never come back. You can pin this to my penchant for sweet, old, nostalgia, my love, if you will.

But there is another reason behind why your third birthday is making me reflect deeply, yet again.

It is the year of 2020, Piya.
And I just experienced a slight shiver run through my skin as I wrote this.

This year has been anything but kind to human beings.

From where you are sitting, reading this letter, the future that is - this year would have served as the subject for many a case study.
And the most explored topic would certainly have been this - Covid19, Corona Virus.

I am experiencing this right now -
The unimaginable has happened.
The world has come to a standstill, dear.

This virus has made the very bones of human beings hesitate to move an inch outside their homes.

And while today marks over 43 days of us having stayed indoors, there was uninhibited laughter in the house today, all thanks to you.

As scared as we were because of the ongoing strain around spread of this disease, we celebrated the day the way you deserved a birthday.

From cake, to decoration, to gifts, to celebration - we did it all.
Selfishly so - because the laughter on your face makes us forget our woes, and believe in life being a wonderful present.

While there were many highlights of the day, from you splashing water in the outdoor jacuzzi tub (yes, we are blessed to have one) to you helping me with your own birthday’s balloon decor to you dancing around in your birthday dress, one particular event has made itself my ‘highlight of the day’.

We presented you with a life-size pretend play set of a kitchen, love.

Now, I do not favour women opting to do kitchen related work just because they are women. I am sure your father will have an especially sour tone while sharing this with you as my ‘overdose of feminism’, too.

But I have observed you in and around the kitchen, more so of late, sweetheart.
I don’t know if it’s your age that makes you seek this or it’s your nature to want to participate, but you simply want to have a role in what’s happening around you.

With me, these days, that revolves around household chores, and then again with me as well as with your father it also has a little something to do with your want of clicking on the laptop under the pretext of ‘I am working, alright?!”

I am going on a foot here and trusting that you picked this fantastic line (alongwith the attitude with which you say it aloud) from your father.
I am rather poised to...ahem...anyway...

So, when it came to picking out a fight for you, it was a choice between a laptop (replica, of course) or a pretend play set for some house related chore.

Now a laptop seemed like something that would make you repeat some actions in a parrot-like fashion.
So - the kitchen set is what we got you (I managed to arrange this from a friend of mine, just yesterday, because we have a lockdown going on).


Our usual morning routine is more or less structured around me having to pester you to either keep yourself engaged in your meals of some activity or request you repeatedly to not pester me to begin with.

It would be safe to say that I saw less of you today than I have all through this lockdown phase, and perhaps even before that!

You LOVED the kitchen set!
You forgot your meals.
You forgot your sleep.
You forgot everything else!

You were engrossed in playing with the dishes, the knobs, the food, the utensils - all of it, basically!

I don’t know what to say, baby.
I am priding myself upon having gifted you something you took an immediate liking to, surely.

But more than that, I am proud of you.
You clearly showcase skills of practising independence with flair, if given complete freedom to operate at will.

With me, you are always being told how to handle your spoon, how to be careful with your plate, how not to drop the glass etc.
With your set, you were in charge.

I am not going to go into any premature insights as to declaring how you have a future in the culinary field - I think such presumptions are as naive as naïveté gets.
But I certainly see you learning from what you see around.

And with you depicting someone fine kitchen-art today, I would like to believe that I (as well as your elders) showcase some good skills for you to look up to too.



And now, to the best part of my day - you did not sleep all afternoon, much thanks to your new found love in the form of your kitchen set.
But that meant that night-night was to come sooner than usual.

It came better than usual too.
You fell sleep in my arms, on my shoulder.

I couldn’t make myself put you to bed for sometime.
After all, I was wondering how few a years I have left with you sleeping in my arms, after all...


And that’s how I experienced futuristic nostalgia in the present!

I love you darling.
And I have no doubt in this - you are a blessing in every form.

Happy birthday, my love.

Sleep well and dream big.

And hug me more often, for as long as you grow.


Love,
Maa.

With or without you...

Dear Piya,
Your old pals celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary this year.
It is quite a milestone for us, given the cat & mouse rapport couples like us share.

For this special day, hence, we wanted to have a nice lunch to ourselves; just the two of us.
We love you to the moon and back, darling, but we sought a little time away from you on this day, as we wanted to be just the two of us for just a couple of hours; and if you were to join us then that would not be possible in any foreseeable way.
You would jump around the nice restaurant that we were to select, making us remain more and more not-seated-on-the-tabke.
You would not stop talking at all, and owing to that, we would have to stop talking to each other so as to pay attention to your chirp (because otherwise your decibel level would keep on increasing with each passing minute, till you were to be addressed).
You would drop more food outside your plate and around the table than in your mouth which would make me request the waiter for more paper napkins than for food on the menu.

So, I hope you understand why we wanted to be alone for one lunch, don’t you?

Now since you have understood, let me share something - I don’t understand.
My heart wants some time away from you every now & then, but I never really understand why.

I love you, my girl.
I love being with you.
But my patience with you starts to wither after sometime, because I can never keep up with your unwavering energy. Not only do you not seem to get tired, you never allow the ones with you to take a break either!
And that is when I wish that you would take a nap or that I would take a break.

What I don’t understand is why my knees feel weak, then, every time I step out of the house without you. I don’t know why my eyes watch everything outside but my mind keeps thinking of you on the inside. I don’t know why every time you fall asleep I cannot take my eyes off your beautiful, innocent, little face, after having spent hours into begging you to go to sleep, I don’t know why a shard of guilt seems to pierce my heart with all the sour reminders of the silly ways that I was unfair to you during the day.
All I know is that separation from you is still a task I cannot master, even if that’s for a little while.

And so, when in this state of tug-of-war in my mind, when the rope remained taut towards not taking you along, you happened to overhear us whispering our way out the door.

We were sitting at the restaurant along with you, 15 minutes later.
Everything went just the way we were afraid it would.
If anything, the frowns on our faces were a bit more exaggerated than I had imagined them in my forecast to be.

“Never again...” we said to each other, multiple times during that one lunch.

This was one particular moment wherein some clarity came to my understanding of wanting some time away from you once in a while.
But it soon evaporated when we happened to discuss this incident with another couple-friend of ours the next day.

They too had decided to not take their kid along with them on their anniversary-celebration-lunch.
Unlike us, they managed to stick to their plan.

And upon hearing our side of the sob-story, they shared theirs.
There was an eerie silence throughout their lunch and there wasn’t a minute when they did not miss the cacophony of their kid being around.

They returned home with a different version of “Never again...” than ours.

So here is the fun fact, love.
You are a handful but you are the love of our life.
And it is because of this that we parents will always be in the perennial sweet spot of wanting to be with you and then without you, every now & then.


Love,
Maa.

Then and now - part 1

Dear Piya,
I am starting this letter as the first of many ‘Then & now’ letter-series that I am sure I will end up writing to you.
The ‘Then’ will always stand for the time period that the ‘Now’ makes seem like an eternity ago.

You are a few months short of being 3 years old and I am already experiencing a huge gap between then and now; so I ought to tell you how much you have grown and how nostalgic this little time-frame makes me feel.

You know about how I have kept writing to you about the small & big things that make up our life.
But what you do not know is that despite wanting to write more, I have not been able to encompass everything I would have wanted to.
Your precious Papa makes it a point to bring many such memories to my notice every now & then. And so, on Valentine’s Day this year, when he & I started talking about the years gone by (it feels customary for married couples to engage in such trivia-talk on special occasions), we just couldn’t dissociate you from love. Funny, how we dabbed upon our love for each other for just a few minutes and then quickly went on to talking about our love for you for a long, long time!

We started talking about all the cute acts that you have entertained us with alongside growing up wonderfully.
And like a quintessential child, you have given us many an adorable lisp-filled memories.
From those, I want to tell you about a particularly fascinating memory, that your father mentioned I skipped having written about.

Till a year, or so, back, your hold around words was just getting solidified.
It is during one of those days that you got attached to a game we played, called ‘Statue!’
When said ‘Statue!’ to, by anyone pointing their fingers in your direction as if they were holding a gun, you are supposed to become a statue; not supposed to move at all, for as long as the same person doesn’t say ‘Over!’

You laughed like you were being tickled rigorously, every time I shouted ‘Statue!’ in your direction.
And soon enough, you started holding your gun-like-fingers towards me and ordering ‘Statue!’
You used to get really riled up if I did not obey the rule to stop moving.
And while quite adorable, this wasn’t my favourite part of the game.
What was, though, was the way you pronounced ‘statue’.

Tachoo.
That’s what you said.

Try saying it right now as you read this. You will know why I am laughing hard already as I write this!

It was such a cute, adorable to the point of wanting to hug you & shower multiple kisses upon your innocent face, till the point you screamed your way out of my tight hug.
But, sadly, every time I brought out the camera to record this loveable moment, you would shut your mouth zip tight.

Your father loved these instances of ‘Tachoo’ from you and kept asking me to record a video of the same, but it never got recorded.

When he brought it up yesterday with reference to how you perfectly pronounce ‘statue’ now, it became a nice walk down the memory lane from ‘then’ to ‘now’.

We miss those days of your ‘Tachoo’ talks, baby.
And while every single day with you seems like a memory in the making, remembering the same always comes along with a soft sigh on our lips; knowing that those days will never come back is a little heart-breaking.

May the days to come be filled with more such sighs, though.
That’s all I desire for.

Happy Valentine’s Day.


Love,
Maa.

Shush!

Dear Piya,

One of the things that is really cute about a baby is the way they pout their lips while trying to mouth words. I have felt many a butterflies-in-my-heart moment when you were learning to talk, but all that came out was baby-babble.

Had I known the wikipedia of questions that was coming my way in the years to come, I would have taught you words at a much slower pace.

Yes, this is about the constant chitter-chatter, jibber-jabber jukebox that you have turned into after having solidified your grasp around speech.
It is like you just won't shush!
And this is one word you have caught onto like glue because I repeat this as often as I call your name.

"Piya, shush!"

This, you repeat, in an exhausting manner when what you say is not being heard by those around you, with the flair of - "Everyone, shush! Listen to me!"
Oh, yes! No exaggerations here.

If people think cats are curious then I believe I want to alter a famous adage to "...and then the kid's curiosity fried their mother's brain!"
That is how many questions a young child can ask a day and that is how escalating the decibel levels of 'Shush!' can be from the mother's mouth.

Be it at home, be it in a restaurant, be it even in a car while driving to some place, you talk to, you ask of and you shush everyone around, with no pause.
Since some time, I have started taking the liberty of asking you to keep quiet just once and then continuing with my work with a little display of "I am not listening to you, anymore".
Guess what? In response to this, you have shown to go onto talking aloud, as if to the surroundings, nevertheless!
I mean, wow!

I understand that you love to talk, darling. It is a fun aspect of a growing child's quirks.
But what I don't understand is how to make you understand that communication is a two-way street and then, more importantly, that speech is silver but silence is truly golden!

Well, you will learn as you grow, I guess.
But if that is not happening any time soon, then we surely have some tedious years filled with constant chatter, unending string of questions and a whole lot of to & fro 'shushing' our way.

If we go through some old picture-albums some few years from now, when you are grown up, and you come across a picture of mine that has my teeth clenched, not sure if I am happy or angry, then look upto this letter for reference, will you?
In the meanwhile, please 'Shush, baby!'



Love,
Maa.

Little Granny

Dear Piya,

You started to talk since an early age, sooner than many babies your age.
And all the joy that I experienced while enjoying your lisp-filled-chubby-talks have faded away a bit ever since you have donned the cap of a 'Little Grandmother' in our home.

I am not exaggerating.

You have started mimicking the sentences your father and I exchange.
This should only go on to tell you how very careful we have to be, weighing every word spoken aloud, with you around.
So, we put on our genius caps and came up with the solution being that of spelling out the words that ought not fall upon your sucker ears.

It goes without saying that 'chocolate', 'ice-cream', 'pani puri' and the likes were the first ones to make the cut. These were the 'troublemaker words' and so they had to be careful of.
In fact, so used to did we become to spelling out words that once, your Papa spelled out a not-so-troublemaker word to a guest who had come, even while you weren't in the room.
It may not seem like something to laugh about now, but we had quite a hahahaha-moment that time.

Now, the little grandmother in you has come to surface owing to the things we say to each other with regards to you.
So, while you father keeps telling me things he thinks I ought to do better, I do the same. One of these was telling him once that your cries seem to become aggravated when you are given a hug forcefully.
After a long day at work, Daddy-dearest wishes for you to come running into his arms to help melt away his fatigue, but you are not always in the mood to shower the same. In times like these, if you are given a tight hug, nevertheless, you seem to show your best cry aloud.

And so, I was telling your father to not insist on the same, you know, for the benefit of our ears.

You seemed to have heard this so well that the next day when you were offered a hug in the same manner, you cried with a "You were told not to do this na? Why are you doing it?"
You said it like a little granny!
You even had your 'talk to the hand' look up!

Your dad shot a surprised look in your direction, followed by an irate one in mine!
You are just 2.5 years of age, and you are already getting me into trouble, you little granny!
The worst part was that I laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. This did not help your father's mood get any better. Not that this slowed my laughter, no sir!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that it is only going to get tougher & tougher conversing with others around you. I just hope you don't end up blurting out something nasty that I said, the next time.
Not that I say anything nasty, alright?
Okay, this letter ought to end right now.

Love,
Maa.

Shenanigans and hugs

Dear Piya,

Days seem to keep running away from me these days.
You would know this by the increasing lengths of intervals between my letters to you.

The truth is that I found myself with all the time in the world after you came into my life. You were are handful (an am sure still are), yes. But apart from feeding you. cleaning you and waiting for you to fall asleep, there was little work, if any, professionally speaking.

That I decided to build this blog in the form of a diary to you is the best I could have done with the first 12 months of our lives.

I say this because I published a book based on our letters. You probably know that as the little, 2.5-year-old you keeps chanting 'Me to Mommee' every now and then around me, much to my heart's delight.

I found a new flair in my own self through this one decision of taking up writing.
My career has taken a huge shift owing to the same and that is what has filled the free time in my life with writing assignments now.
Sadly, that keeps taking my time away from writing to you, love.

But, here I am now, and if you have caught on the phrases I keep speaking aloud around you, the  you would know that this is the perfect opportunity for me to quote "देर आये, दुरुस्त आये".

I have started to feel the guilt upto my neck these days, for any time that I am away from you, baby.
But I also feel the need to take time away from you every now and then.
I guess this is how all mothers feel.

Speaking of this mother's bundle of joy, with time, your naughtiness has only grown in leaps and bounds, so much so that I keep losing my temper these days more often than not. But the minute I lose it on you is followed by an hour of self-loathing towards myself.
And that has a major chunk of reason sunk in those pitiable-cat-eyes you pop out crying aloud.
It hurts but so does your increasing level of mischief.

I find myself torn between letting you be and inculcating discipline in you.
It just seems impossible to have both!
And I know this because I have struggled with trying to be nice, and then not so nice, with no major results showing up.
You seem to just love throwing things around, kick-boxing everything & everyone in sight, acting with utmost stubbornness everywhere, refusing to follow directives and, your perennial favourite, procrastinating sleep.

All of these affect my day, and my mood, in a really adverse manner.
You see, unlike you, I cannot have all of the day get away without having a thousand errands to run.
I wish I did, but that would be the precise definition of wishful thinking!

While play is all you should engage in, your old woman is not at the liberty to enjoy the same.
I hope I am not jealous of you at some level, because of this.

I look at your innocence through the endless stream of pictures on my phone every chance I get, asking myself why I would ever want to instruct anything into somebody so perfect. Why should a child so young be subjected to any rules of do-this-not-that, at all!

I have lost quite some sleep over this, love.
But what comforts me every time is your unfailing forgiveness.

While you catch on to the stupid things we say around you with a mental net, you have recently started repeating one statement in particular.
Every time you hug me apologetically, after having enraged me with your childish shenanigans, you gently whisper "I love you a big deal, Mommee".

This what I have whispered into your ears, every time guilt ate away a part of my heart for having been unfair to you, ever since you were born.
My heart grows a bit every time I hear you say this to me, now,

I love you a big deal too, my darling.
I will try to act better, as I wish you will too.


Love,
Maa.

A new year wish.

Dear Piya,
It feels good to be back here, with you, after a long break.

If you ask me why I have been away, I will simply show you a book titled ‘Me to Mommee’.
It is the first book your old woman published, last year, my little girl.
It is the first love I have had after having loved you.
It is the journey of a mother and her child.
It is you and I.

It is essentially the letters that I have written to you so far.

It took 2 years to write, and over 8 months to put on paper.
It is a book, but it is so much more than that.
It is an experience of the first 2 years of our comaraderie.

When I hold it, it feels like I am holding all the emotions that I have lived with you, all at once.
And while every letter that I have ever written to you is a house of nostalgia packed with vivid emotions, reading the book, even if just a few chapters at a time, makes me relive all the little things that have made up our story so far, all at once.

Oh, the weightage of this is something I cannot explain, in words, darling!

You may wonder why such elaboration upon this one establishment from my life, right?
My love, I wish for you to know what it means to find joy in something.

I belong to the school of thought that believes in loving what you do. Life, then, seems less of work and mote of fun

I see your little self enjoying every activity you undertake these days.
And while I pray that this innocent streak of finding joy in everything remains with you till the end of time, I am aware of how wishful a thinking that would be.

So, I am telling you the lesser bright side of life - the one that comes after the candy-land that is childhood.

I do so, so as to show you the deep satisfaction that one experiences when one puts their heart & soul into their work.
The work then becomes preciously satisfying in itself.

Aa a new year begins, I wish a rainbow-filled-land-of-dreams for you, wherein you find immense happiness, spoonfuls of humour, a few hurdles and then a million hugs in all that you undertake.
May life keep you pleasantly surprised and then satisfactorily smiling, at the end of each day.

Happy new year, my love.


Love,
Maa.